Dawn breaks over a city and I feel like I am surrounded by dessert. I’m only remembering how you got on that train and left and how everything since then as drifted away and become unforeseeable. Vision is a funny thing you know? Those born with 20-20 vision start to lose that perfection as they grow older. My only self assurance, that perfection is unequal equilibrium. A bridge waiting to break the minute you put too much pressure on it. It sounds just like you.
I only want to look at you all the time, as if each time was for the first time, again and again. I never want to get tired of looking at your face. Love isn’t blind, it’s just blurred. The more you abuse something the more the cracks appear. You came into my life like a sea and now you won’t even storm into my desert. I only see you in a great destructive way, full of colours and bursting with the stories of your new life, yet you don’t even grant me that.
The noise of the city only reminds me that my other senses are just as powerful and if I can’t see you, I can hear you in the cracks of my floorboard, I can smell you on the seams of my pillow and I can taste you in the saltiness of my tears.
I try to say it but it just comes out as a whimper. Why can’t I have you? There is something so deeply wrong with the whole situation and I can’t figure out where I ever went wrong. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I didn’t want you bad enough. But at this very moment I feel that every part of me wants you. Actually it doesn’t and maybe that’s the saddest part, I don’t want you to ever have it all because you don’t deserve it.
Words tumble out of your mouth like a car wreck and you keep on talking, you’re a wreck and I don’t understand how you do it. If anything you’ve taught me to stand on top of a building and empty my lungs. exhale, exhale. That way someone will listen. That way they will all listen, no one can ever say they didn’t hear me. I refuse to suffer in silence, I want it all to echo so everyone last one of you will hear and in some ways so you can hear it.
One day, you will hear the the happiness I resonate. Even if it ends with blood falling out of my mouth, you will hear the child’s laugh before it and it will echo in your skull for a lifetime. I won’t be the whimper that lulls you
Loneliness is the enemy but I learnt being alone doesn’t really hurt. What hurts is the nights I spent alone when you should have been there. I don’t really understand the concept of being independent, the lines blur and I often have to stop and think ‘when is it okay to lean on people?’
You don’t make anything easy for me, if I stand alone you want to conquer the world with me. If I want you, you drop me off at the side walk. All of this is the one truth and the other? I’m too scared to say I want you so you can’t ever know how it may hurt, how I actually may just be alone. I never saw your face again, you just became another face on the train. These seconds become constant like the humming in my bones, I am so tainted that my loneliness has found an eternal breeding ground.
Your silent rejection should have no place here but it does. So I don’t sit with friends sharing meals, I don’t dine with lovers drinking wine, I sit alone and fill my walls with the charts of our mistakes. If I can figure out where we went wrong then perhaps I won’t be sitting in my past all the time.