So back here I said I was coming off my anti-depressants. Life was all fine and dandy then, I was just settling in to my new job, I’d passed my driving test and you know I was doing better. I was more than willing to see if I could manage with the meds. But on this day (Tuesday 17th February), apologies as this post will go up later than that; I have decided I am going back on them.
I have tried to get off them on previous occasions; however I have also had the worst brain zaps to accompany that, so I and would always go back on them. I did a bit of research this time round and decided to cut down gradually. I’m only on 10mg, which isn’t a high dosage at all. So I had been cutting down by ¾ then ½ and now ¼ and then ¼ every three days. I wasn’t really sure what the next stage after that was so that’s currently what I have been doing.
Well until today. Today I took a sick day off work because my brain was sick. In the past two months I have dealt with dips, some of them are quite simply the dips of life, that’s not a problem. However in the past two weeks I’ve had a real turn in my thoughts, they have turned sour and they have become increasingly dark from various life happenings. In short, I am now plagued by my thoughts of self harm. I don’t think I’ve ever shared my struggle with self harm, but I kicked that coping mechanism and promised myself and several others that I wouldn’t touch my pretty little skin again. And I haven’t, or really felt the need to. However the frequency and intensity of these thoughts are alarming. Especially going alongside the thoughts of just being sick of living, I’m really worried that I’m heading down a dark road again. There are just days when I feel like I just need to ring up and get myself taken into some type of care. I don’t want that and I don’t want to want to resort to self harm to get these horrible feelings out of me. So I’m going back to what helps.
I know that recovery is a bumpy road. My doctor even told me not to be discouraged if I couldn’t come off the medication, so I know it’s not failure. I attended the Time to Change Celebration event two weekends ago (that's where the cake picture is from) where I listened to stories of recovery, and I just know that it isn’t easy or continuous. I wish it was, I wish I didn’t have to keep starting and stopping. There are times when I feel like I can take on the world, but recently I’ve dealt with changes that have just taken the fight out of me. I’m talking work, men, family and friends. There are quite a few things eating away at my self-esteem at the moment that I don’t want to be buried in it. I also don’t want to sit around moaning about it and wallowing in it. Depression is just so painful sometimes that I feel like tearing my insides apart because I do not understand how I can feel like this. And constantly too. It’s a mystery, so I’m reaching out for the first thing that I can change, and yup that’s my meds. That and I’m going to start counselling again.
I’m not even sure what the point of this post is other than to say LOOK AT ME BACK ON MEDS AND NOT COPING WITH LIFE,WOE WOE WOE. I am dubious about posting this. But it’s here and it’s my space and I think stuff like this is important because I know from the outside it probably looks incredibly different, but it’s important to share these things. It’s why I spend my time doing work for Time to Change because I know that talking about it matters. So if I can help one person feel okay about not feeling okay then I’m gonna do that.
Sometimes I do wonder about talking so openly about these things on my blog because duh, future employers. But then I remember I am still an awesome functioning human being, so I don’t give a fuck. Despite everything that goes on I still bloody love to work. I remember that I have resilience and that’s a bloody important thing to have.
So that’s all for my mental state update. I hope you’re all having a much better day/week/life than me!