Going Backwards.

So back here I said I was coming off my anti-depressants. Life was all fine and dandy then, I was just settling in to my new job, I’d passed my driving test and you know I was doing better. I was more than willing to see if I could manage with the meds. But on this day (Tuesday 17th February), apologies as this post will go up later than that; I have decided I am going back on them. 

I have tried to get off them on previous occasions; however I have also had the worst brain zaps to accompany that, so I and would always go back on them. I did a bit of research this time round and decided to cut down gradually. I’m only on 10mg, which isn’t a high dosage at all. So I had been cutting down by ¾ then ½ and now ¼ and then ¼ every three days. I wasn’t really sure what the next stage after that was so that’s currently what I have been doing. 

Well until today. Today I took a sick day off work because my brain was sick. In the past two months I have dealt with dips, some of them are quite simply the dips of life, that’s not a problem. However in the past two weeks I’ve had a real turn in my thoughts, they have turned sour and they have become increasingly dark from various life happenings. In short, I am now plagued by my thoughts of self harm. I don’t think I’ve ever shared my struggle with self harm, but I kicked that coping mechanism and promised myself and several others that I wouldn’t touch my pretty little skin again. And I haven’t, or really felt the need to. However the frequency and intensity of these thoughts are alarming. Especially going alongside the thoughts of just being sick of living, I’m really worried that I’m heading down a dark road again. There are just days when I feel like I just need to ring up and get myself taken into some type of care. I don’t want that and I don’t want to want to resort to self harm to get these horrible feelings out of me. So I’m going back to what helps.

I know that recovery is a bumpy road. My doctor even told me not to be discouraged if I couldn’t come off the medication, so I know it’s not failure. I attended the Time to Change Celebration event two weekends ago (that's where the cake picture is from) where I listened to stories of recovery, and I just know that it isn’t easy or continuous. I wish it was, I wish I didn’t have to keep starting and stopping. There are times when I feel like I can take on the world, but recently I’ve dealt with changes that have just taken the fight out of me. I’m talking work, men, family and friends. There are quite a few things eating away at my self-esteem at the moment that I don’t want to be buried in it. I also don’t want to sit around moaning about it and wallowing in it. Depression is just so painful sometimes that I feel like tearing my insides apart because I do not understand how I can feel like this. And constantly too. It’s a mystery, so I’m reaching out for the first thing that I can change, and yup that’s my meds. That and I’m going to start counselling again. 

I’m not even sure what the point of this post is other than to say LOOK AT ME BACK ON MEDS AND NOT COPING WITH LIFE,WOE WOE WOE. I am dubious about posting this. But it’s here and it’s my space and I think stuff like this is important because I know from the outside it probably looks incredibly different, but it’s important to share these things. It’s why I spend my time doing work for Time to Change because I know that talking about it matters. So if I can help one person feel okay about not feeling okay then I’m gonna do that. 

Sometimes I do wonder about talking so openly about these things on my blog because duh, future employers. But then I remember I am still an awesome functioning human being, so I don’t give a fuck. Despite everything that goes on I still bloody love to work. I remember that I have resilience and that’s a bloody important thing to have. 

So that’s all for my mental state update. I hope you’re all having a much better day/week/life than me!

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World Mental Health Day - Recovery & Ramblings

So I am lacking in the blog post department, but regular(ish) posting will resume when I’ve decided I come up with interesting topics to writing about. However today is World Mental Health Day so I decided I’d write some sort of update my own mental health. Just a warning that this is going to be lengthy!

The theme for WMHD is actually Schizophrenia, however I don’t have any experience with that, but do visit the site to find out more about Schizophrenia and why it’s been chosen as this months theme.

So some background on me, I have depression and social anxiety. I’ve had them both for over 10 years and have received therapy (CBT) and medication for both illnesses. I actually wanted a write a post like this about 2 weeks ago, but then I changed my mind, but I thought it would be fitting to go ahead with it considering the day.

I use to volunteer with Time to Change, but now that I work full time I can’t do that. I joined TTC to find out more about the community around mental health and to fight the stigma that was attached to it. I was an involvement worker at TTC, so this involved going around to schools or youth clubs and sharing my story, which included the help I received and the bouts of stigma I had experienced. I really enjoyed it and I really credit the campaign and the work I did , as helping with my recovery. I met so many different people and put a lot of my life into perspective by writing and sharing my story. However about 4 months ago I did stop doing this because it all became too much, sharing my story was exhausting. Being a private person, it was really taking a lot out of me sharing these really intimate and dark moments of my life, and truth be told I was starting to become ill again. Since then I’ve dabbled with volunteering with TTC and other charities in other ways, however encouraging people to talk openly about mental health will always be on my agenda and that’s why I want to share today.

In the past two weeks I have felt that my life is one big balancing act. I feel like I have been shoved on this earth, and I really have NO idea how to handle anything, I panic if anyone asks me a question, even if it’s something I know the answer to. I watch people around me sometime sand I’m just there ‘like how are you all okay? How do you know how to be a human?’ Sometimes I just don’t know how to handle family, friends or work colleagues, I just feel like there’s an invisible barrier. Don’t get me wrong there are times when I manage and I just able to be carefree, but for the most part I am very overwhelmed on a day to day basis. I know it’s because my brain has a lot to manage to keep me well. I’m constantly applying my CBT to situations to ensure I’m being rational. But in addition to all of this, I am coming off my medication, the thing that has played a large part in my mental shift. I’m not going to go into the science of anti-depressants, but I’m essentially saying “goodbye, I’m going to see if my brain can now produce happy signals all by itself.” It isn’t as hard as I thought it would be because I am still in the midst of cutting down, but what happens when my brain is off it fully? Alongside this because I know I have to take care of myself and keep those endorphins buzzing about I’m trying to motivate myself to exercise and eat right, to support my body and my mind. Managing anxiety is also the other thing, if I’m not plagued by depression it’s the day to day anxiety, the panic over small things like having to get off at my stop when I’m on the train to work. Working full time is also another thing, it’s not the first time I’ve worked full time, but now I’m “beginning my career” and although it’s thrilling it’s also scary. When I last worked full time my days were measured by how many days I actually went into work “today I managed 2, at least it was better than last week when I was just there once”. So it’s about balancing all the aforementioned with being well enough to work full time. I have frequent panic attacks at work and although I have no idea why, I’m learning to manage them because there is no threat here.

Another thing to throw into the balancing act is making friends. I’ve always been a solitary person, as a kid I just read and played by myself. Now I don’t see anything wrong with that being by yourself is good, but for me it wasn’t it’s because I was so petrified of people finding out I wasn’t “happy” that made me keep to myself. I’ve always been quiet about my depression and never wanted to let people in, I know it sounds cliché but it’s the truth and it is a lonely one. I hate when people try and shutting people out is cool or something, if you really do it because you dislike yourself it’s not cool it is lonely. Anyway I always thought if people knew the “real” me they would back away and then I’d really be left alone, so I’ve always kept people at arms length. I can’t even say that’s changed, but I am working on it. But what’s thrown me is making friends at work, I’ve always held the belief that people don’t like me, but at work I’m actually making friends with people . You’ll probably gather from what I said before that I didn’t grow up with a lot of friends, I didn’t have a close knit group of girl friends who all hung out together. I do have friends dotted about that I spend time with one to one, but they all have their own friendship groups that they are all very much a part of. I’m not even complaining as it suits me just fine now because I know I mean something to them, but what’s weird is coming to work and suddenly there is a friendship group forming. I like it, although I’ve never been used to it. But sometimes managing social expectations is exhausting for me, because like I said before – I don’t know how to handle people.


I’m writing all of this because I don’t want to become so overwhelmed that I take several steps back in my recovery, but I’m also writing this to talk about recovery and its stages. When you have depression and then you’re going through recovery, naturally you don’t want to revert back to your old ways. It’s all about “I’m not going to be sad, I’m going to think positive, and I’m not going to self harm” And yes they are things you should no go back to/do/not do, but sometimes I sit back and think what’s the different between now and then? I think the behaviours but now I don’t do them, is that actually recovery? Granted I am so much better now but I struggle to understand whether things like this means I am not recovered and have not left my old ways behind, or whether my version of recovery is unobtainable. If it is the latter, I am at risk of becoming unwell again.

Often depression is described as your reality not being what you expected, whilst I disagree with that definition, I do know a large proportion of my low moods stems from “I thought this would like this now. I thought I’d be happy now etc etc” Whilst I know this sort of thinking is not limited to depressives, when you are depressed these feelings are amplified. Although I know I am better off now, part of me thinks really? Is this constant balancing act the better? Instead of juggling dark dark thoughts and pretending to be happy, now I’m juggling everything else and trying to be happy. It’s still a lot of work, and sometimes I feel like I will cave.

I wouldn’t class myself as depressed right now, but sometimes I feel like I am bridging the gap back to that place. But in the end I think it’s a case of reality vs expectations, yes I am recovering but no my recovery is not what I thought it would be like. There is a lot to balance, but it’s a good balancing act. I’m desperately telling myself that “it’s okay that I’m 23 and have only started my career, it’s okay that I’ve actually had a long term relationship that I have felt respected in, it’s okay that I’m a little bit broken,” because I have been through a lot. It’s so easy to let these thoughts drag you down to the place of ‘don’t bother’ but I am fighting them. I do often wonder if the fight is worth it, because it seems I will always be fighting, always be balancing but I guess it’s better to be coming from where I am now, than from the deep pits of depression.

I hope the majority of this made sense. As much as I love writing, sometimes trying to be coherent with these things can be difficult.
Places that can help/provide more information Mental Health Foundation, Rethink, Mind.

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How often do you feel blue?

So sometime this week I had to complete an online test for a job role, LOVE doing these things (not). However this particular one annoyed me. I don't know if it's actually common to have these questions as I don't even do that many, or if this particular one was just incredibly discriminatory. 

So I'm clicking along to things that sound like me etc. And I come across this:

How does one even define "easily depressed"? I don't get "easily" depressed. I get depressed and there is nothing easy about it. My triggers are not broken down into "easy" and "hard". 

So I grumble about it and then move on, and I come across two more questions relating to depression. When I came across the fourth I was royally pissed off:

What is feeling blue? Honestly? When I am depressed there is nothing blue about it, in fact there is a complete absence of anything let alone colour. The whole focus around trying to determine (I'm assuming here now) whether someone is emotionally stable for the position is ridiculous. If you haven't experienced depression you are not likely to know how "easily" you get depressed. I'm going to go ahead and generalise but most people don't know what depression is, thus will never be able to answer that question properly. And if we go further into the question, what an employer defines as "easily" may not be what that individual defines as "easily". The test was embarrassingly discriminatory. 

Why did you not ask any other questions about my health? Or does my physical health not have a large impact on how I do my job? Because I can tell you standing for longer than 10 minutes still hurts my left leg, but you didn't ask about that did you? Furthermore the large focus on depression as being the only illness that could possibly affect your job is laughable. If we take the mental health route we have anxiety, OCD or bipolar that could affect how you work. If we go down the route of other illnesses that could affect your ability in a job we cancer, broken bones and so on. But the main word is could. 

It infuriates me that depression seemed to be so prominent in this test. Evidently stigma still exists around the illness. It's always interesting how people are labelled benefit scroungers when they are signed off with depression but then those who are trying to find work are met with things like this. Nevertheless this hasn't discouraged me, rather enraged me but quite frankly for me working in a company that wants to pry that deeply into my personal life about one issue, isn't one I want to work for. Whether I have a history or a present with mental illness is my own business and if that then affects my ability to do my job then me and my employer can discuss it. But you can try and ween me out by having a selection process that seems to single me out because I've suffered with something I've had no control over. 

Have you come across anything similar in job searches? Please do share. And do know I plan to contact the company (who of course shall remain nameless) in the nicest way possible about how their test singles people out. In the mean time please continue to fight the stigma about mental health! I'm part of Time to Change, which supports talking about mental health to breakdown the stigma attached to it. Find the campaign website here: www.time-to-change.org.uk   and you can follow on Twitter here: Time to Change

They are also currently running a brand new campaign in which they have loads of ways you can show your support and spark up a conversation about mental health, so you can splash it all over your Social Media sites! Find it here: new campaign 

If you need help OR want more information on certain mental illnesses then visit Rethink or Mind and have a browse around and it will have everything you need!